Series: Blessed Be
Matthew 5:4 ESV
Psalm 34:18 MSG
Psalm 119:28 ESV
Deuteronomy 31:8 MSG
Mourning is not something we choose…but it is an integral part of life.
Even though we do not choose loss, for example loss of our youth, we will grow older. Instead of “Mama Told Me There’d Be Days Like This” sometimes I be singin’ songs that remind me of younger days when life glided by and I didn’t have to think about what I forgot.
Even though those days don’t come very often, when they come I wonder how I got here because it seems like a blur.
I remember my first really sad day and the funeral that followed. I was twelve years old. I remember not understanding. But I also remember me da said it would be okay.
Even though I didn’t know what that meant, I believed because he said it, ‘it was so’.
I remember thinking I would never be happy again, but I still had happy days. After that day, in the days that followed when the sadness came again I remember having hope that experiencing the sadness again was a long time off. I hoped when I lost someone else I loved I’d be old. But when the sadness came again and I lost someone I loved, it was as sad (or worse) than before. The day me da passed over I couldn’t even think. I couldn’t imagine life without him.
Matthew 5:4 says, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted.”
When the sadness came again I don’t remember much. I just put one foot in front of the other and that’s about all I could do.
I didn’t feel blessed.
I just felt alone.
I missed me da. I ached. I don’t remember any blue skies or rainbows.
I wasn’t angry…I was just numb.
I didn’t know if God was there…that took time. As a matter of fact it took a lot of time. It was at least five years until I laughed out loud when I heard something funny. I knew I’d laughed but I was just pretending.
It took time for me to see that during those dark days I wasn’t really walking. I was being carried. God was so close I couldn’t see Jesus. My head was buried in His chest.
Psalm 34:18 tells us, “If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there;if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath.”
Then one day down the road a piece my heart broke in a different way. What had been one heart was now split. I didn’t see God in it.
I only saw broken and I only felt pain. I was afraid…so very afraid. For decades I’d not been alone and I had a path.
Before that day came I had a plan filled with a purpose.
I knew my ‘role’ and I knew what to say. Now, I could only say, “this is not my life.” I remember saying that over and over again…”this is not my life”. My heart was broken and I was alone. So, I went to work every day and I came home at night to pack up what was left.
I wondered what I did wrong. I blamed myself. I knew I must have done something wrong to deserve losing the life I’d know as an adult. Day after day and ever so slowly I was able to say, “this is my life and God made it good.”
Psalm 119:28 says, “My soul melts away for sorrow; strengthen me according to your word!”
A friend at work knew I was sad for me because she had suffered the same confusion and pain. She understood. So, she invited me to go to church to sit with a group of people that talked about learning how to be alone.
At first I said no because I was afraid I would cry but she told me it was okay to go there and cry. She even laughed and told me that everyone there cries. So, I went and I cried with everyone else.
Little did I know Deuteronomy 31:8 really was true, “God is striding ahead of you. He’s right there with you. He won’t let you down; he won’t leave you. Don’t be intimidated. Don’t worry.”
At the church that had a group that suffered the same confusion and pain I discovered they also had a healing service.
I went and I sat at the back of the room. I cried. Week after week I cried. After a while I realized I was crying less and I was praying more for the other people who were crying. Then I met a woman who invited me to come to pray, so week after week I went and prayed for people who cried.
Years down the road somebody asked me if I’d be interested in being in charge of that service. At first it came as a surprise. I knew I “knew” about church because it had been my life. So I eventually said yes.
Then someone told me about a Spiritual Director who had an office nearby. I made an appointment and I told him my story. He asked questions I hadn’t thought about before. For nearly ten years I sat with him.
It took time but eventually, I could see that through it all I was never alone. When I couldn’t see or feel God it was because God was sooooo close. I was never alone. I felt alone because everything in my life changed, but was was never really alone.
God in me was there every step of the way.
Spiritual Practice: God IN You
Take time to experience God IN you.
In God, Deborah
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